Still Fighting

Wednesday has become blog day for me, and it dawned a little ugly this morning. I woke up with a bit of a headache and the voice of my ever-present depression whispering in my ear. It doesn’t try to talk me out of doing Morning Pages because it knows that’s a lost cause, but it will start trying to talk me out of my Sweatin’ to the Oldies while I’m still writing Morning Pages. It will tell me the headache is a good reason to skip the exercises. I don’t feel well, so I should just rest and not work out.

That sounds reasonable, but I know it’s just a big, fat lie my depression uses to get its its foot in the door and make itself at home for a while. Sometimes it works, but today I had enough fight in me to put on my workout clothes as soon as I finished my Morning Pages, and hit “Play” on that DVD. I use the DVD because that’s often all the fight I can muster. Once I hit “Play,” that’s all it takes. If I start the workout, I will finish it. Starting may be a huge battle but once I start, the battle is won. I started today, and I worked out for an hour. Thank you, Richard Simmons.

The Sweatin’ helped. It always does. It’s the one thing that helps the most since I went off antidepressants a few years ago. Today’s foul mood was persistent, though. Fortunately, I was still able to remember that there are other things I can do that will make a difference. My depression tries to make me feel lame, inadequate and worthless, so it helps if I can do something to prove it wrong. On my worst days, the best I can do is save a video game world, but today was not one of my worst days. Today, I went into my kitchen and baked cookies.



I probably don’t have to tell you what kind of cookies these are. I’m sure you recognize the crisscross. If I ever bit into a cookie that looked like this and there was no peanut butter in it, I would be appalled. I used the classic recipe from the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. I felt a lot better when the cookie jar was full, but I was still restless. I needed to bring out the big guns.

I mean the teeny tiny yeastie beasties. I was fighting a very tenacious bad mood and I needed to do something impressive. I impress the heck out of myself when I make yeast rolls. These are Soft Sandwich Buns and the recipe is from The Farm Cookbook. I love that little book. It reminds me of my young married days, when I first became a vegetarian and didn’t know tofu from tempeh. That book taught me how to make both, but it also taught me to make these wonderful fluffy white buns.

My daughter was tired of waiting for them to cool.

My daughter was tired of waiting for them to cool.

I am not lame. I am not inadequate. I am not worthless. I made yeast rolls. I rock.

6 thoughts on “Still Fighting

  1. releaf1954 Post author

    Thank you, Sarah. It is tomorrow and I am having a better day. That’s a good thing, since I would otherwise be tempted to do nothing but read and eat baked goods all day. 🙂

  2. releaf1954 Post author

    I don’t know why I didn’t see your comment sooner. I thought I was checking. Thanks for reading. I’m all out of cookies now. I guess I’ll have to bake some more.

  3. fairywebmother

    My comments are getting shorter, because I am working full time, now. I’m gone from my home 11 1/2 hours per day! By the time I get home I want little to do with computers. I DO read your blogs, though. I want you to know that.


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